To satisfy

I would like to propose something. Nothing earth shattering or profound, and who knows if it's entirely true. A thought that's been rolling around in my head for weeks and I can't shake the implications. As we become fully satisfied in God, does the longing to be satisfied by earthly things truly diminish or disappear?

I like nice things. The apparent, given Distractions. Shopping and coffee...my iPhone, getting lost in the Food Network now and again. I love the fall and all that it brings. The orangi-ness and crispi-ness and autumn-ness surrounding us, illuminated by the perfect sunny skies; the pumpkin-spice lattes and costumes, leading to Christmas bazaars and cuddling up in our slippers and sweaters in our cozy homes. Summer in Alaska evaded us, but fall must show it's beautiful face. There is a solace in that somehow.

If I want to take this even further, I like to be busy. I love to donate my time for good causes and making a difference. I love my friends and my family, that, at times, leave me utterly speechless as I wonder how I deserve them. My church, that I love so much, where I give more time and more energy... and finally, my husband and three beautiful daughters... the list is endless of the good, good things I like. Surrounded by these good things, satisfaction seems inevitable.

But here's the thing...
In and of themselves, these are earthly things, and I believe that I have been a bit blind. Because even still, the 'unsatisfied' creeps in without a trace.

Ironically, Oswald Chambers writes in today's daily reading from 'My Utmost For His Highest', "To have a master means that there is one who knows me better than I know myself, one who is closer than a friend, one who fathoms the remotest abyss of my heart and satisfies it, one who has brought me into the secure sense that he has met and solved every perplexity and problem of my mind."

The void, it will come. It is not a matter of if it will come, but when. For me, the daily exhaustion, over-commitment and stress trigger the void. Strained relationships, loneliness, and of course traumatic situations trigger the void. Over time, the patterns I have learned to satisfy these voids as they come are worn and even imprinted in my brain. When I feel empty and hungry, do I turn to the Lord, before I choose something else from the list?

Last week, our church had a fast, those who wanted to going without food or other things as we pursued Christ, spending times in prayer. I decided to give up caffeine. Six days is just about enough time to painfully detox and come out the other side relatively in tact. Other than the debilitating four day migraine, it's actually hard to remember details of the week, as I was in a bit of a fog.

By about day 5, the fog in my head started to clear, both physically and spiritually. Giving up coffee cost me something. Giving up the comfort and pattern of satisfaction that it brought were equally as difficult as the physical detox was. But as the ache for it started to fade, a clarity in hearing the voice of God took it's place. I can honestly say that it was worth it.

I am not suggesting that you give up coffee. I am not suggesting that you give up the thing that brings you the most satisfaction. I am suggesting that you just stop for a minute and look at your satisfaction patterns. When the void comes, what do you do? What do you turn to?

I would like to present that in our moments of greatest weakness, greatest strength, and every apathetic moment in between, that we turn from our patterns of self-satisfaction, to the Lord. Because, when it comes right down to it, what is it that will get us through when the hard thing comes? Will the coffee or the alcohol or whatever it is that has worked before, keep us going? I am suggesting that it will not. My experience has told me that it will not.

"But seek ye first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well," Matthew 6:33. There is an order in the spiritual realm. If we confuse the order, if we mix up seeking the things before pursuing God, then let me tell you, it does not go well. God is reminding me of His perfect order.

And I will go as far as to say that there is more at stake than perfect order. There is more at stake than making efforts to assure that we do not fall when the pressure comes. It is not about us. We, who are believers in Jesus Christ, serve a God who is Holy, Sovereign and Almighty. He does not tolerate these things in our lives that we have made to be idols. When we turn to these things before Him, again, and again...it is only a matter of time before correction comes.

But as we choose Him in our lives, He gives us life abundant, beyond what we could ever hope for. There comes order and peace. There is joy and there is understanding. When we persevere and walk unwavering, eyes fixed on Him alone, He WILL satisfy us. End of story.

"Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits -

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love

and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with

good things

so that your youth is renewed

like the eagle's."

-Psalm 103:2-5

I am learning to walk this out, re-directing my paths to satisfy the voids as they come. Coffee is back, but with some boundaries. We'll see how it goes ... I think that as I continually lay all these things before Him at his feet, and I listen for what he says, AND am willing to obey, the order will correct itself.

And just as I am about to completely forget the satisfaction that I chose to sacrifice in the beginning, the satisfaction comes.

Family Road Trip: The Last Couple Days

"Soaked, Chilly and Happy"


Rain, rain, rain, little bit of sun - a summary of the last two days! It is a good thing we all like each other, or we just might have been over it before it was over. Our road trip was the right amount of time to get away from it all, and then, want to come back. That was the nice thing about having no agenda. Nowhere to be, no deadline to come back to...just come back when we're done.

Yesterday, we departed lovely, rainy Homer and made our way to lovely, rainy Seward. We stopped in Soldotna just long enough to have lunch at Dairy Queen (yuck), iced creme d' menthe americano's to go at Kaladi's (yum) and then to Kenai to check out the new Walmart attraction (new and shiny). We found Seward in the same state as we left Homer - wet. Nonetheless, we suited up in our raingear and headed to the coolest park we've ever seen (our discovery from two years ago) and then walked a mile or so into town for some dinner.

Today, we woke up to the sun shining through the motorhome windows and, while exhausted, ready to enjoy another day together, this time dry! We walked to Resurrect Art Coffee Shop for a yummy cuppa' joe and then to the Alaska Sealife Center, one of our favorites. (I'm sure you've noticed a pattern by now...coffee, then family activity).

We marveled again, at the seals, sea lion (my favorite), giant fish, jellyfish, starfish and diving birds. Definately worth the 57 bucks. New stuffed animals at the gift shop topped off the visit and we decided to head home. Our 'fun' capacity and level of sleep deprivation by all had hit its max.

After eating their sandwiches on the road, the girls passed out and we drove till we pulled into our driveway...home sweet home.

Our trip fulfilled its purpose. Rest and being together as a family. No worrying about the to-do list. Though it was funny to see how easy it was to just lay Charlotte in her crib tonight and watch her curl up and fall asleep within seconds while we whipped up a salmon dinner in minutes...for free! These luxuries of home, that we don't appreciate until we don't have them, I suppose.

I can't wait until we get another opportunity to appreciate them...next year! And for the record, we are still on vacation for another 3 days!

Family Road Trip: Day 2

'I Really, Really Like Them'

The motorhome is silent. The fam is a bit spent from our chilly, blustery, fun-filled day!

This morning we woke up to a downpour. While that could be potentially disastrous vacation material, we didn't let the dampness dampen our spirits. Well, I guess little baby Charlotte wasn't so sure. Being at the must-get-down-and-crawl stage, she fell and banged her head several times trying to get around in the small space. Her favorite spot was underneath the dining room table. She sampled the dog food several times and took a bath in dog water. Poor Charlotte was a little antsy....

As were the girls....

Then, a bit later the rain cleared and left behind some clouds and blustery wind, but a non-wet sort. So we ventured out to find some cool sock monkey hats, that I think made all of our day... ice cream and chili fries were to be had, and we found some very tasty coffee that I hope we can have again tomorrow... Later we met up with some dear friends for a late Mexican feast.

But the beach, of course, has been the very best part. I think that the girls would live on it if they could. I have already lost count of how many times we have combed the beach since we got here yesterday... today, we enjoyed some wind surfers and Sophia facilitated a family rock house building competition. Charlotte chose the winner by crawling towards the house she liked best. I think I won since she crawled in my general direction.

I needed to be reminded of how much I just really, really like my family. I have the most amazing kids and super fantastic husband there ever was. I am amazed at God, in His goodness, who chose to bless me this much...

Tomorrow, a shower and on to the next destination...

Family Road Trip: Day 1

'The Makings of Our Recipe'

We’re on the road. Borrowed motorhome, 3 children, 1 pug, and all the contents of our home (except the sink) signals the beginning of a much needed and memorable trip! My emotions are a jumbled mix of remembering all my childhood road trips, contemplating the burdens of today and excitement for the hope that our family can escape into a mini-world of non-reality and non-commitment.

When I was a kid, we had a little tiny yellow pull-behind camper. It was painted to match our yellow, wood-paneled station wagon. Our ghetto paint-chipped canoe slapped on the roof of the car was like the cherry on top. Oh, those were the days! You couldn’t have asked for a more perfect memory recipe.

These memories I'm cherishing again as we ourselves are about to whip up our own little adventure concoction. I think that Homer will be our first stop. The inlet is crystal clear, the sky is beautiful blue, painted with billowy clouds. The sweet, piercing sounds of ‘Baliko’ are streaming through the speakers while we chew on our Costco pizza and sip on our Kaladi coffees. The baby is sleeping and the girls are pretending to nap in the bunk above our heads. I’m a bit surprised to find that I can type while we drive in this thing, and it doesn’t make me carsick.

Making our own recipes for memories, for

life really, that’s what this is about I think. And of course resting, and re-connecting as a family. I so desperately don't want to take the backseat in life. God forbid that I let life just happen to me, because I don’t have the energy or motivation to take the reins. Thankfully, God sends me wake-up calls now and then that send a chill down my spine. The thought of the days and weeks and years that could pass without intention or purpose, just living in that state, it’s frightening.

So, with the chills comes resolve. I will not allow life to just happen to me, to our children, without our active intent and involve-ment. I cannot be busy with my own good activities or ministries or passions, or even depression, and leave them to fend for themselves. If it takes getting down on the floor to play a game, going on a little girl date, cuddling when I don’t feel like it or...going on a road trip...

This trip...it will be good, regardless of what happens. It forces normal life to an abrupt halt so we can escape together on an adventure. I know that in our little adventure, our own recipes will evolve. Recipes for life.

And I forgot how beautiful Homer is!

My daughter Sophia, age 8, decided to write a little something too...Enjoy!

homer to seward

chapter 1 the ride.Let me tell you that was the most fun camping ride i ever had! First i got a cinnamon roll it was soooo good! Then we headed to homer. Then me and Ivy started to color then i asked my dad are we almost there? He said 1050 MILES!!!! I was exaggerating when i said 1050 it was actually 150. Then me and ivy played for a while. Then i took a nap. Then me and Ivy partyed on mom and dads bed. I frgot to tell you it was in an rv.

...Stay tuned for Day 2.

A Love Affair...of the Coffee Sort

Coffee. The composi-tion of those 6 letters creates the center of my adulthood love affair. Dramatic? Perhaps. Inaccurate? No. Who would have ever thought you could take some hard, nasty inedible green beans, throw them in fire, smash them to pieces and then drink the liquid that comes from soaking those nearly burned little buggers in hot water? But, someone did it once, and...here we are!

And so, I succumb, time and again, to its powers. The black liquid gold...bringing with it a little more energy, a little more motivation, and yes, a little more 'happy'. I think more than those things though, is a taste of the familiar, a taste of comfort, if there can be one.

Being the busy girl that I am, with kids, babysitting more kids, going to work, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and on and on...all the time, I have more to think about than coffee...right?? But, it's there, like a little subliminal message, with its little tiny coffee voice shouting, "Coffee! Coffee!"

If you're a coffee-er, you have your coffee 'spots' and your coffee drinks...ya know, THE drink. When we're not drinking it, we wish we were. These days for me it's the Iced Americano. Throw a little peanut butter syrup (oh, don't knock it till you've tried it!) and some cream in there, and it's divine!

But then there's the issue of money, so in efforts to be more FRUGAL, as my blog is so fondly named, my husband and I have finally given in to the home espresso brewing system! (I suppose the ultimate frugal move would be to stop drinking coffee altogether - *gasp* - but this is much more fun...) It's the Saeco Odea Giro Super Automatic Espresso Machine, designed by BMW DesignworksUSA. Oh, it's not as fancy (or expensive) as it sounds, and we even went with a refurbished model, but oh man...talk about fun!

And now, I have unlimited caffeine at my fingertips ...

oh, the love affair continues!

A Tribute

It's that time of year again. Time has flown and slowed all at once these last 10 years. He died on June 28, 2000. June 12 was his birthday, June 8 was my parents anniversary and of course...Father's Day. It's that time of year again. I miss my dad.

The ache has quieted. I think that now his memory bears an almost sweet taste to it. When he comes to mind, it's not painful as much as it is pleasant. Although sometimes looking at my daughters I get that tinge again, 'if only he could have met them...'. Or, I still get the occasional, 'I knew your dad. He was a great man'. I think, 'Yep. You have no idea.' Of course, its easy to forget all the bad in remberence of one lost. That is how it should be, I think. But the crazy thing about my dad is that there wasn't much bad.

He was a journalist who gave up his career to work at a church, writing and serving and ministering to others. He invested in the lives of people, not things. He re-heated and ate the leftovers that no-one else would. He made jumping off a fallen lightpost seem like the best thing ever, simply by making it a 'mystery ride' - if there was no money for a real family outing. He loved music and so badly played it, but he played it with heart and gusto and with us on his knee. He read the Bible to my brother and sister and I, and taught us what it meant. He planted and tended to his garden, rode his bike to work and would fast and pray for days at times. And most importantly, he loved my mom.

And who could forget the awful little rusty light blue pick-up with the flashing yellow light on top? He led such a simple life, but I think it was more powerful than so many realized at the time. He didn't live for himself, but truly lived life for others. His wife and kids and so many more than I could count.

And he will, forever, remain a part of me. Cliche ~ until I look at the crook in my nose, my gigantic veins (the nurses are always impressed!), the gray hair at age 30, and my ability to write and ponder and innovate. I am left to remember him as hints of my own self. The other, more selfless parts, I am working on!

And God, in His goodness and perfect timing, gave me my husband not long before he died. Passionate, yet practical, the ever-constant love of my life. So patient and hard-working. Almost a fierceness to his kindness. Perfect for me. I'm certain my girls will remember their childhood daddy with the same fondness that I do mine.

Whenever I am tempted to feel sorry for myself in losing my dad, my safety net, I am given harsh reminders of the blessing I had, and even still have. Recently, in working with Beacon Hill, I have had the humbling privilege of getting to know some amazing single mothers and their children, whose fathers have either abused them or long forgotten them. They do not have the memory of safety and peace with a loving father. In these moments of facing stark reality, the ache is stronger. The ache of never having, being so much more harsh than the ache of loss.

I am thankful for my dad. I am thankful for my amazing husband and my wonderful father-in-law. I am realizing that I have been given much in the way of fathers. I am reminded that "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48. There exists a weight of responsibility on the 'father-rich' (those whose dad-cup is full) to step in the gap for those without fathers.

"For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality, and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. And you are to love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt." Deut. 10:17-19.

Daunting, but fortunately, we have a Heavenly Father who shows abounding mercy, never-ending love, showers of grace and IS the perfect Father that we so desperately need. Our job is only easy if we ourselves experience God as our Father, and then...we simply reflect.

Friends

When I write, I like to try to write from a place of inspiration. A good thing, I suppose, when one of my goals in writing is not just a great pastime, but hopefully helping someone else find inspiration too. Lately, with summer and all, we've been just busy! It's good, summer-type busy, but still busy. It becomes so easy for me to get lost in our world of going with the flow and jumping from one thing to the next...hence the fewer blog posts!

Today, though, I am feeling inspired. I was at church observing all my beautiful friends. And all at once, I felt it again. That feeling of being humbled and grateful and left feeling just utterly blessed. It's a common feeling lately, and I think that I am coming to appreciate friends and a truer community in a way I haven't before.

We went to Hope, Alaska with many of these friends last weekend. We so enjoyed being together and even watching our children, who will all grow up together, just having fun and getting dirty and being with the kids they have known since they were born. It just kept hitting me, this feeling that kept bubbling up. Gratitude.

Then, the other night I went to dinner with my best girls. Birthdays are always our excuse to go out! The laughter, both irreverent and sincere, the confiding and sharing, and always making our poor waitress angry for staying too late, half of us ordering just a salad or dessert! It's these things I cherish. And again, I'm humbled, grateful, blessed.

'True' community, I'm not really sure what that looks like. But I think we're getting closer than we have ever been. 'To bear each other's burdens' as was said from the pulpit today. I think that's where this community is found. We don't have to live together to accomplish this, but we have to be active in each other's lives. Choosing to share in the joys and pains, and it is a choice. At the cost of our own comfort at times.

Those folks in the very early church in Acts were on to something I think... "All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved," Acts 2:44-47.

I realize that at this time in history, God was beginning the miraculous work of growing His church. However, this type of living worked for growing a church! A community of people devoted to each other and to God, giving to each other as anyone had need. They were together and they were glad! I think we need more of this.

But for now, I'm grateful.

I hesitated writing this because I know many people don't have these type of friendships or community. All I can say is that like so many things, its a choice. You have to choose to give and invest in people. Count the cost and then simply BE a friend. I think loneliness spurs us to risk sometimes. I know it does for me. Take the risk! And you too, could someday be part of a ridiculous pyramid built of middle-aged women!

Photos courtesy of Rhae Anne Etheredge , except for photo of 6 friends, courtesy of Suite 100 hostess.