Love, Part III
"Love never fails. But where there are prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears...Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:8-10, 12-13
I like to think that I'm not unintelligent. I have a pretty good idea of how things work and I don't much like to research things because I'm pretty certain that what I know is enough to form an opinion or even make a decision about something. I know those research/study-er types out there are about to come hunt me down, so bear with me! What I mean is, I am learning that either way, we fall short. No matter how much I know or think I know or research and learn...beyond all scope of human knowledge...I know only 'in part'.
I am re-reading one of my favorite books, 'Till We Have Faces' by C.S. Lewis. Love that book...a re-telling of the ancient myth of Psyche and Cupid. Sad and dark, but ultimately a story of redemption...why I love C.S. Lewis so much. He so well articulates the human condition and then always turns our eyes upwards to Jesus, even through his indirect fictitious approach. This book he began in his young years as an atheist, prior to becoming a Christian and he didn't finish it until just before he died, it being his last completed work. The book begins with Queen Orual's (sister of Psyche) accusation to 'the gods' and it leads into her story, her case against the gods. I won't spoil it, but ultimately in her final judgement by the gods, her questions fall away as she sees the very Answer itself, Jesus, looking at her face to face.
I have questioned many things in my life. I don't know anyone who hasn't. I have been confused, let down and even angry at God. The more I live and the more I know of God, the more bits and pieces of His good character and love are revealed to me. But one thing I do know. If I fully understood the mighty God who made the heavens and earth and simultaneously created me, knowing the depths of my inmost being (Psalm 139) - what kind of God would he be? If I understood what it took for Him to send His one and only son to earth to take upon him the sins of all mankind in a grueling death, and resurrect three days later - what kind of God would he be? If I understood this Love that transcends all human knowledge or ability to replicate - what kind of God would he be?
"When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not talk about the joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why would they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?
I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words; to be led out to battle against other words. " Till We Have Faces ~C.S. Lewis
Now, in my imperfection, I see but a poor reflection, understanding only in part. But when I see Him face to face, I am certain that He himself will be my answer!
Until then, I do know that of faith, hope and love - the greatest is love. And this great Love never fails me. Love itself, who came to earth in the form of a man, who died to save me, to have relationship with me...that is a Love that I have faith I will fully understand someday. In the meantime, may we have glimpses of it, beyond what our own wisdom will reveal. And if my suspicions are right, the 'grandeur' of this divine love, may in fact, be found in the lowly, the humble, the broken, the sacrifices.
If you have more thoughts about Love or thoughts about my thoughts...I'd love to hear them! Lord knows I don't know anything...just a girl wanting to be loved and to love in return.
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
The Journey of Love
LOVE, Part II
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient...
As a parent I need to plaster this to my forehead. It should be the motto, the theme song, the mission statement of parenthood. Patience. My daughter, Ivy, has the coolest, most fun and wacky personality of any little kid I've met. She also runs on a different time zone than the rest of the family.
Love is kind...
Kindness is lovely. When you're not expecting it, the surprise of kindness is like an oasis. When we expect rudeness and receive kindness, it almost catches our breath.
It does not envy...
I love my trusty 7 year old Durango. It seats all my family plus a couple, its reliable and I'm really quite endeared to it. Today I got to borrow our cousins' new Audi TT convertible. It's quite possibly the coolest car in existence.
It does not boast...
We are all talented in some way. In these God-given gifts, I think telling of His good gifts can turn quite quickly to boasting. There is a fine line here.
It is not proud...
Pride is one of the hardest. It seeps in without warning and can tarnish even the loveliest.
Love is not rude...
The opposite of kindness. Our ultimate challenge when being the recipient of rudeness, is to not reciprocate rudeness. It's such a provoked, knee-jerk response.
It is not self-seeking...
I love myself. And I love my family. It's so easy to be lost in the world of our own families. While this is not bad, I think there is a time and place for these loves. There is a time to give outside of ourselves and even our own families. In the act of selflessness, your family unit gains strength, knowledge and even more love.
It is not easily angered...
For me, it's like a math equation. One 8-yr-old + one 4-yr-old + one 5-month-old + one pug + one job + one messy house + running late for church on Sunday morning - one husband - one cup of coffee = easily angered!
It does not keep a record of wrongs...
I will choose to forget the hurt or offense, and forgive.
It does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth...
I have to be careful what tv, movies, toys, music, and conversation we allow in our home and outside. Evil is just plain darkness, hidden in so many things, and, like light, truth is shed on these things if we allow it.
Love always protects...
This should go beyond the realm of my kids and husband. Anyone I love I should protect and defend. There is no room for protection in gossip.
It always trusts...
Trust always goes out the door first if we are hurt. Love always trusts.
It always hopes and perseveres...
I have struggled with depression off and on my whole life. It no longer has a hold on me as it did in my earlier years, but it still creeps up on me. I think to hope and persevere are the exact opposite of depression.
As a mom with borderline OCD issues (yes, it's true), it's so easy to look at these instructions as a to-do list. If we think to ourselves, oh man, I really need to be more kind or patient or hopeful, I think we've missed it. It is impossible to love like this unless we ourselves experience His divine love. If our 'love tank' is empty, then we can forget trying to love. Really. Imagine a hamster in his wheel. Spinning, running, trying.
I remember a time when I had not yet experienced His love for me. Being a Christian since I was four years old, I had been told of it more times than I could count, I knew all the Bible verses about it, I had even caught glimpses of it. And a few years ago, in a thirsty crescendo, this dryness caused the water to taste sweeter in the moment that it came. And it came like a waterfall. I was loved, not because of anything I had done, or anything I had not done. I was loved because He is Love, in spite of everything. I was loved as I was. And nothing was ever the same. In that place of truly knowing love, like never before, I could begin to love with almost no effort at all.
When we know Love itself it all falls into place. We are patient, we are kind, we don't envy, we don't boast, we are not proud, we are not rude, we don't think about ourselves or get easily angered, we don't keep score of wrongs, we don't love evil but we love the truth, we protect and hope and trust and persevere. We will never be perfect on this side of heaven, but let me tell you, unless we know this Love to the very inmost parts of us, we simply cannot love, or do any good thing, like he commands us to. We're just spinning hamsters.
If you don't feel lovely and the task of trying to love a I-Corinthians-13-kind-of-love seems impossible, then consider this, "I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord - Romans 8:38-39" You are loved. When this is known in your heart of hearts and you want to shout it from the rooftops, then the journey of loving begins.
And as is the nature of all journies, I find again that I'm in a bit of a dry spell. I have felt what it is to be loved, and I have loved with the love I received. But it's time to get a taste again of what Love is and get to the business of truly loving.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians 13:4-7
Love is patient...
As a parent I need to plaster this to my forehead. It should be the motto, the theme song, the mission statement of parenthood. Patience. My daughter, Ivy, has the coolest, most fun and wacky personality of any little kid I've met. She also runs on a different time zone than the rest of the family.
Love is kind...
Kindness is lovely. When you're not expecting it, the surprise of kindness is like an oasis. When we expect rudeness and receive kindness, it almost catches our breath.
It does not envy...
I love my trusty 7 year old Durango. It seats all my family plus a couple, its reliable and I'm really quite endeared to it. Today I got to borrow our cousins' new Audi TT convertible. It's quite possibly the coolest car in existence.
It does not boast...
We are all talented in some way. In these God-given gifts, I think telling of His good gifts can turn quite quickly to boasting. There is a fine line here.
It is not proud...
Pride is one of the hardest. It seeps in without warning and can tarnish even the loveliest.
Love is not rude...
The opposite of kindness. Our ultimate challenge when being the recipient of rudeness, is to not reciprocate rudeness. It's such a provoked, knee-jerk response.
It is not self-seeking...
I love myself. And I love my family. It's so easy to be lost in the world of our own families. While this is not bad, I think there is a time and place for these loves. There is a time to give outside of ourselves and even our own families. In the act of selflessness, your family unit gains strength, knowledge and even more love.
It is not easily angered...
For me, it's like a math equation. One 8-yr-old + one 4-yr-old + one 5-month-old + one pug + one job + one messy house + running late for church on Sunday morning - one husband - one cup of coffee = easily angered!
It does not keep a record of wrongs...
I will choose to forget the hurt or offense, and forgive.
It does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth...
I have to be careful what tv, movies, toys, music, and conversation we allow in our home and outside. Evil is just plain darkness, hidden in so many things, and, like light, truth is shed on these things if we allow it.
Love always protects...
This should go beyond the realm of my kids and husband. Anyone I love I should protect and defend. There is no room for protection in gossip.
It always trusts...
Trust always goes out the door first if we are hurt. Love always trusts.
It always hopes and perseveres...
I have struggled with depression off and on my whole life. It no longer has a hold on me as it did in my earlier years, but it still creeps up on me. I think to hope and persevere are the exact opposite of depression.
As a mom with borderline OCD issues (yes, it's true), it's so easy to look at these instructions as a to-do list. If we think to ourselves, oh man, I really need to be more kind or patient or hopeful, I think we've missed it. It is impossible to love like this unless we ourselves experience His divine love. If our 'love tank' is empty, then we can forget trying to love. Really. Imagine a hamster in his wheel. Spinning, running, trying.
I remember a time when I had not yet experienced His love for me. Being a Christian since I was four years old, I had been told of it more times than I could count, I knew all the Bible verses about it, I had even caught glimpses of it. And a few years ago, in a thirsty crescendo, this dryness caused the water to taste sweeter in the moment that it came. And it came like a waterfall. I was loved, not because of anything I had done, or anything I had not done. I was loved because He is Love, in spite of everything. I was loved as I was. And nothing was ever the same. In that place of truly knowing love, like never before, I could begin to love with almost no effort at all.
When we know Love itself it all falls into place. We are patient, we are kind, we don't envy, we don't boast, we are not proud, we are not rude, we don't think about ourselves or get easily angered, we don't keep score of wrongs, we don't love evil but we love the truth, we protect and hope and trust and persevere. We will never be perfect on this side of heaven, but let me tell you, unless we know this Love to the very inmost parts of us, we simply cannot love, or do any good thing, like he commands us to. We're just spinning hamsters.
If you don't feel lovely and the task of trying to love a I-Corinthians-13-kind-of-love seems impossible, then consider this, "I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord - Romans 8:38-39" You are loved. When this is known in your heart of hearts and you want to shout it from the rooftops, then the journey of loving begins.
And as is the nature of all journies, I find again that I'm in a bit of a dry spell. I have felt what it is to be loved, and I have loved with the love I received. But it's time to get a taste again of what Love is and get to the business of truly loving.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The Gong Clangers
LOVE, Part I
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have the faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." I Corinthians 13:1-3
In my life I am surrounded by wonderful, loving people. I think more than average perhaps. Despite being so blessed, even in the very best of life scenarios, there can get to be quite a bit of resounding gong and cymbal clanging. What's worse is this thunderous noise being escalated by the sound of my own gong, clanging in my head. It's not lovely.
I Corinthians 13 has long been quoted as being one of the most famous and beloved passages of the Bible. It gives the impression of being a 'feel good' passage. What's interesting to note is that Paul, who wrote this letter to the church in Corinth, was writing it as a correction to a church who was NOT loving in its ways, and needed to be reminded that everything we do is pointless unless we do it out of Love. It's easy to read the words, memorize them and and hear them repeatedly, but if we allow the truth of them to penetrate, it feels like a knife, searing deep. Even reading it again now, I am completely struck by the simple, yet fierce implications.
We know we should love. We can process what it will take to love. And some of us have even felt, at times, the divine, pure Love. It covers us in warmth, in beauty, in forgiveness. We strive to make so many efforts to do so many good things...but does it come from Love?
In feeding, clothing and giving shelter to the homeless...
In trying to provide the best life for our children that we can...
Using our many talents and gifts to bring about good...
Speaking eloquently of His love...
Even giving our very lives for a greater cause...
Without Love? These things are nothing at all. A waste even!
We are so many things...employees, employers, parents, ministers, chairmen, volunteers, givers, artists, business people, manual laborers. Wherever we find ourselves, the question forces us to find the answer. What is our driving force, our core, our One and Only? To love ~ is it down deep to the very foundation of who we are and does it seep out in each thing, each act that we do?
My gong, the jarring, unappealing noisemaker that it is, it resounds at times. And it's not alone! We can accept this as just being part of life. But I feel pushed to dig down deep, find the root of the noise and quiet it down. Can it be replaced with Love, so divine? I know it can if we allow it.
C.S. Lewis speaks of love well,
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
"Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness."
"God loves us; not because we are loveable but because He IS Love, not because He needs to receive but because he delights to give."
(Parts II and III coming soon...)
"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have the faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." I Corinthians 13:1-3
In my life I am surrounded by wonderful, loving people. I think more than average perhaps. Despite being so blessed, even in the very best of life scenarios, there can get to be quite a bit of resounding gong and cymbal clanging. What's worse is this thunderous noise being escalated by the sound of my own gong, clanging in my head. It's not lovely.
I Corinthians 13 has long been quoted as being one of the most famous and beloved passages of the Bible. It gives the impression of being a 'feel good' passage. What's interesting to note is that Paul, who wrote this letter to the church in Corinth, was writing it as a correction to a church who was NOT loving in its ways, and needed to be reminded that everything we do is pointless unless we do it out of Love. It's easy to read the words, memorize them and and hear them repeatedly, but if we allow the truth of them to penetrate, it feels like a knife, searing deep. Even reading it again now, I am completely struck by the simple, yet fierce implications.
We know we should love. We can process what it will take to love. And some of us have even felt, at times, the divine, pure Love. It covers us in warmth, in beauty, in forgiveness. We strive to make so many efforts to do so many good things...but does it come from Love?
In feeding, clothing and giving shelter to the homeless...
In trying to provide the best life for our children that we can...
Using our many talents and gifts to bring about good...
Speaking eloquently of His love...
Even giving our very lives for a greater cause...
Without Love? These things are nothing at all. A waste even!
We are so many things...employees, employers, parents, ministers, chairmen, volunteers, givers, artists, business people, manual laborers. Wherever we find ourselves, the question forces us to find the answer. What is our driving force, our core, our One and Only? To love ~ is it down deep to the very foundation of who we are and does it seep out in each thing, each act that we do?
My gong, the jarring, unappealing noisemaker that it is, it resounds at times. And it's not alone! We can accept this as just being part of life. But I feel pushed to dig down deep, find the root of the noise and quiet it down. Can it be replaced with Love, so divine? I know it can if we allow it.
C.S. Lewis speaks of love well,
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained."
"Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness."
"God loves us; not because we are loveable but because He IS Love, not because He needs to receive but because he delights to give."
(Parts II and III coming soon...)
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
The Cost of Living
cost-of-living cost'-of-liv'ing (kôst'əv-lĭv'ĭng) adj., definition: n. 1. The average cost of the basic necessities of life, such as food, shelter, and clothing. 2. The cost of basic necessities as defined by an accepted standard.
We've all had our share of pain in life. That's kind of the deal...you breathe air, you experience pain. For me, I've probably had a normal amount. The typical heartbreak, friends let you down, disappointment, even the death of a loved one. Sometimes the pain creeps up on you...you think you're fine, but then it comes out later on. Other times it hits like a freight train, like when I got a phone call that my dad had died unexpectedly, my legs forgot how to stand and I crumpled to the floor in shock. Dealing with the pain of death can be life-lasting as well as earth-shattering, but somehow you expect this. Grief announces itself and comes without question when someone you love, dies. This is the nature of some kinds of pain. It's so expected, you notice only the lack of it.
Other times pain can come unannounced and unexpected...for me that happened with the death of a lifelong dream. The agonizing despair I felt, curled up in a ball, lasted for days and I can honestly say that this kind of pain hurt at quite a different level. In allowing myself to come alive with passion and feel things that I'd kept dormant most of my life, pouring my heart and soul into this dream, there was much at stake. And as life or fate or bad decision-making would have it, it did not survive. So this unannounced pain sets in, survival mode gets switched on and things get a little gray and hazy as the time passes...there are glimpses of beauty and hope, but it's just easier to try not to look at it. Some of us have felt the tinge of the cost of living and at times, we feel it's just not worth it.
If we're lucky, the truth smacks us in the face... "The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I have come that they might have life, and have it to the full." (John 10:10). If we allow our pain to define us, debilitate us, to prohibit us from experiencing life to the full, then the thief has won. Jesus came so that we may have Life. Only God, in his mercy and grace, can open our eyes to see this truth and what it is to truly live.
To me, there's so much to truly living...stepping out of our loneliness and making friends, getting involved in the community, starting a new career or relationship, deciding to have children or in my case, making a choice to jump off a cliff for the sake of that heart-of-hearts dream. I would even venture to say to 'live' is choosing to find joy and contentment regardless of whatever situation you are in.
I feel its worth noting to fellow parents, postponing some of our dreams for another day is part of the job description, knowing that there is a time and a season for all things under heaven. (Ecclesiastes 3) In my opinion this is different than hope deferred, if we choose it. There is something in the sacrifice and choosing to find joy in whatever the circumstance, that trumps any other desire. God is the one who plans our steps in different seasons of our lives, and while having to put away these desires for the sake of your children can be very difficult, I believe it is different than having painful experiences that cause us to shy away from living life. I'm certain this is the case with any situation, not just parenting!
There is a great cost to truly living. I'm coming to realize that the cost is pain...
What we try so hard to avoid and protect our children from. Is it possible that in our efforts not to ever suffer, we are running away from so much life? I think back to all the seasons of my life, the great ones and the distressing ones. In those very hardest of times, there was a sweetness in my utter despair and need for God. I learned so much of myself and the nature of God and His love for me. Everything changes when in your pain, you see Jesus standing next to you, holding your hand, bringing you through it. The One who experienced more pain than we will ever know. It gives you a rock to stand on in the wonderful times and especially for the next time you experience pain.
From what I've found, it seems like joy isn't made complete without a measure of suffering. If pain wasn't part of the process, can life really be lived to the fullest? Having given birth three times now...would I be as happy to hold that baby in my arms if it didn't cost me something to get her there? Maybe... probably not. When one day my heart-of-hearts dream finally comes to fruition, will it be sweeter because of the road it took to get there? I think it will.
So the question for you and me is...is it worth it?
As I'm sitting here, attempting to define these thoughts and then, in humility, share them with you, I am weighing the cost, wondering if it's worth it. I see the window cracking open again to that dream He has put inside me. But there is a cost, I am being reminded, that to truly live, there will most surely be pain. Is it worth it? Absolutely.
"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Romans 8:18
Monday, March 15, 2010
The Variable
Driving home yesterday, after picking up Sophia from school, my mind is reeling. I have just been informed by my 2nd grader that she is the object of two 3rd grade boys affection, in a seemingly different tone than other times she has told me this. So she is explaining the situation to me, whilst Charlotte (5 months) has recently discovered the sound of her own voice and how she can make it very, very loud, and Ivy (almost 5) is practicing her song-making abilities, also at an above-normal decibal.
And of course, all this on top of my already existing agenda. I am on a mission to complete certain tasks in a certain order before a certain time.
So I wish I could say in that moment I had the perfect motherly advice for Sophia, could enjoy the discovery that Charlotte was making in the carseat while appreciating Ivy's creative talent. However, it wasn't my moment to shine. I think it was more akin to grilling Sophia for information, slightly panicked, shushing Ivy, as I reached around to shove a passy in Charlotte's mouth, AND trying not to miss my turns on the road. Oh, Lord have mercy.
I have my occasional great moments as a mom. Generally they are when I feel in control and well-rested! I am finding that now with 3 children and heavy-laden with other responsibilites, these moments are fewer and farther between. So to achieve the 'great mom status' when the variables haven't changed, something has to give.
And it occurs to me, maybe I'm the variable, the one thing that has to give...because, can I do anything on my own, anyway...really?
The reality is that my children are the air I breathe and the reason my husband and I sacrifice daily to make life better for them. I try to see that they have fruit and vegetables every so often, get read to the right amount, get the quality time they need according to their personalities and needs, brush their teeth, learn about Jesus and for the most part, not look like ragamuffins.
I often tell them that I love them to the moon and stars and all the way back. They reply saying, 'oh mommy, that's a lot!' So cute I know, but I think the greatest measure of love I can show them is to take a step back, and in humility, turn them back over to my Father who loves them more than I will ever know. How else am I going to be there at the right moments for Sophia as she's entering these fragile years of boys and growing up and all things completely scary to a mom? And my Ivy, the middle one, not letting her fall through the cracks of middle-childom and allowing her to be creative and wild and crazy? With Charlotte, being the baby in a family of older children, I need so much wisdom with her too...God help me.
God help me let go, as I am certain I will fail on my own, in moments that matter. In being a mom yes, but also when I need to speak up in wisdom and love in a hard situation. When I need to walk the hard narrow road instead of the wide one. When I don't have the answers.
Yesterday was a reminder to me that it's a continual give-up-and-release-control process. I have to conciously and consistently release the hands of my children and any other thing entrusted to me and put them in the hands of the King. That means giving myself the grace to be frustrated here and there too...allowing myself license to be the variable.
And of course, all this on top of my already existing agenda. I am on a mission to complete certain tasks in a certain order before a certain time.
So I wish I could say in that moment I had the perfect motherly advice for Sophia, could enjoy the discovery that Charlotte was making in the carseat while appreciating Ivy's creative talent. However, it wasn't my moment to shine. I think it was more akin to grilling Sophia for information, slightly panicked, shushing Ivy, as I reached around to shove a passy in Charlotte's mouth, AND trying not to miss my turns on the road. Oh, Lord have mercy.
I have my occasional great moments as a mom. Generally they are when I feel in control and well-rested! I am finding that now with 3 children and heavy-laden with other responsibilites, these moments are fewer and farther between. So to achieve the 'great mom status' when the variables haven't changed, something has to give.
And it occurs to me, maybe I'm the variable, the one thing that has to give...because, can I do anything on my own, anyway...really?
The reality is that my children are the air I breathe and the reason my husband and I sacrifice daily to make life better for them. I try to see that they have fruit and vegetables every so often, get read to the right amount, get the quality time they need according to their personalities and needs, brush their teeth, learn about Jesus and for the most part, not look like ragamuffins.
I often tell them that I love them to the moon and stars and all the way back. They reply saying, 'oh mommy, that's a lot!' So cute I know, but I think the greatest measure of love I can show them is to take a step back, and in humility, turn them back over to my Father who loves them more than I will ever know. How else am I going to be there at the right moments for Sophia as she's entering these fragile years of boys and growing up and all things completely scary to a mom? And my Ivy, the middle one, not letting her fall through the cracks of middle-childom and allowing her to be creative and wild and crazy? With Charlotte, being the baby in a family of older children, I need so much wisdom with her too...God help me.
God help me let go, as I am certain I will fail on my own, in moments that matter. In being a mom yes, but also when I need to speak up in wisdom and love in a hard situation. When I need to walk the hard narrow road instead of the wide one. When I don't have the answers.
Yesterday was a reminder to me that it's a continual give-up-and-release-control process. I have to conciously and consistently release the hands of my children and any other thing entrusted to me and put them in the hands of the King. That means giving myself the grace to be frustrated here and there too...allowing myself license to be the variable.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Boeuf Bourguignon
As I sit down to write my first blog with my twice-warmed cup of market spice tea, I am recalling the first time I watched Julie & Julia. I cried. Not because of the delicious recipes or stunning performance by Meryl Streep. It was that the character wrote, and people read what she wrote. It hit me like a wave of longing, catching me quite off-guard.
To write - I imagine one of my daughter, Sophia's, rocks or shells wrapped up special and stowed away in one of her little treasure boxes. There is a time and a place for treasures. For me, writing has been wrapped up and stowed away in my little box like a dream for another day. The ache comes and goes just to take it out, look at it and toss it around or even to display it on my shelf.
And Facebook comes along. It's the 'tease', the appetizer. Little tidbits of writing here and there, but mostly just leading me on.
Several days ago, as I am contemplating and processing our current difficult and 'poor' phase of life, it all started to come together in my head in formed thoughts and sentences and paragraphs. And out it comes, in written form (thanks to facebook!) No rocket science, literature or beautiful poetry. Just real life. Just me. So here I am, blogging...certain that what I have to say isn't anything you haven't heard before. I am not the authority on matters related to really anything at all, and what I think about things has been thought of before. But this is what I have to offer. This is my skating performance, my concert, my 'Starry Night', my 'boeuf bourguignon'! I'm telling you, the little wrapped up treasure jumped out of its box and hit me on the head. And it begins.
I hope that opening up this window into my life's struggles and joys will inspire you to remember your wrapped, boxed up, hidden away treasures. If this isn't the time and the place to display them on the shelf, just don't forget them there! Dust your dream off, look at it fondly and put it away for another day if you must. But don't forget it. Because let me tell you, they are needed! When I look at Rhae Etheredge's photos, or hear Aaron Gray's music, or see Charity Carmody take over the business world (as a stepping stool to taking over the whole world), or watch Deanna Ingalls be the best mom & teacher to her kids she can be, or enjoy the Olympics...in essence, seeing people doing what they were made to do? It's inspiring. It pushes me to write, to create my own boeuf bourguignon!
To write - I imagine one of my daughter, Sophia's, rocks or shells wrapped up special and stowed away in one of her little treasure boxes. There is a time and a place for treasures. For me, writing has been wrapped up and stowed away in my little box like a dream for another day. The ache comes and goes just to take it out, look at it and toss it around or even to display it on my shelf.
And Facebook comes along. It's the 'tease', the appetizer. Little tidbits of writing here and there, but mostly just leading me on.
Several days ago, as I am contemplating and processing our current difficult and 'poor' phase of life, it all started to come together in my head in formed thoughts and sentences and paragraphs. And out it comes, in written form (thanks to facebook!) No rocket science, literature or beautiful poetry. Just real life. Just me. So here I am, blogging...certain that what I have to say isn't anything you haven't heard before. I am not the authority on matters related to really anything at all, and what I think about things has been thought of before. But this is what I have to offer. This is my skating performance, my concert, my 'Starry Night', my 'boeuf bourguignon'! I'm telling you, the little wrapped up treasure jumped out of its box and hit me on the head. And it begins.
I hope that opening up this window into my life's struggles and joys will inspire you to remember your wrapped, boxed up, hidden away treasures. If this isn't the time and the place to display them on the shelf, just don't forget them there! Dust your dream off, look at it fondly and put it away for another day if you must. But don't forget it. Because let me tell you, they are needed! When I look at Rhae Etheredge's photos, or hear Aaron Gray's music, or see Charity Carmody take over the business world (as a stepping stool to taking over the whole world), or watch Deanna Ingalls be the best mom & teacher to her kids she can be, or enjoy the Olympics...in essence, seeing people doing what they were made to do? It's inspiring. It pushes me to write, to create my own boeuf bourguignon!
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