The Fight

My husband and I will have been married for 13 years on January 3. I love that man. He is strong and good, brave and meek. He inspires me to be a better me. This year, our best year yet, we came face to face with the fact that we may need to fight for our marriage. Our busy lives, with three children and several jobs between the two of us, brought us face to face with that reality. Both being pretty laid back, we have, in many ways breezed through our marriage. As we've watched others struggle, we've wondered at how it seems so easy for us? While we realize the blessing that this has been, we see now that in ways it may have been a detriment.

What happens when it's too easy, when there's no more than a little struggle? What happens when the 'busy' has beckoned you silently away from each other? The struggle, come as it will, does in fact come, and it's suddenly really, really hard. The splash of water on our face wakes us to the impending fight. The fight of a lifetime. The fight for time, for peace, for true love. Quality time, unless it is fought for, does not exist. A solid marriage, without quality time, will eventually not exist either.

This brings me to today, Christmas-time. The celebration of the birth of our Savior, a holy and beautiful time. I have ever been caught up in the lovely tradition of it. I have busied myself through many, many Christmases. Some more meaningful than others, but the true meaning always just a smaller piece of the bigger whole.

Tonight, I am reflecting. My task list is unfinished but I'm enjoying the Phil Wickham Christmas album while basking in the glow of my tree. In the quiet, in the solitude, an uneasy feeling settles in. I wonder if it's possible that I may have 'missed it'...again?

And my mind is reminded of the fight. Because isn't anything of value worth fighting for? Quality time with my King is more than a precious commodity, it's my lifeline, my survival. And the thought occurs to me, why am I not fighting for this with everything in me? Why, instead do I seem to be lulled by some sort of holiday shroud?

And so tonight, I fought. I willed myself to steal away with One who called me, who created me. And then it came... Grace. Peace. Calm. Quiet. His very presence was in itself the answer. It is HE that infiltrates and covers and releases all these beautiful traditions. No matter how hard I try, I cannot, in my own effort, try to fit God into my Christmas. I can't do this with God in any area of my life, but I see that I try to do it at Christmas especially. As Christians, we know the true meaning of Christmas, and so we try really hard to make sure he is adequately dispersed throughout the holidays.

Today, I say for me, I'm all in. Let Him come!

In his Word lies the 'Christmas Definition', so clear, so simple; a prophecy foretold:

"For unto us a child is born,

to us a Son is given,

and the government will be on his shoulders.

And he will be called Wonderful Counselor,

Mighty God,

Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

- Isaiah 9:6

To satisfy

I would like to propose something. Nothing earth shattering or profound, and who knows if it's entirely true. A thought that's been rolling around in my head for weeks and I can't shake the implications. As we become fully satisfied in God, does the longing to be satisfied by earthly things truly diminish or disappear?

I like nice things. The apparent, given Distractions. Shopping and coffee...my iPhone, getting lost in the Food Network now and again. I love the fall and all that it brings. The orangi-ness and crispi-ness and autumn-ness surrounding us, illuminated by the perfect sunny skies; the pumpkin-spice lattes and costumes, leading to Christmas bazaars and cuddling up in our slippers and sweaters in our cozy homes. Summer in Alaska evaded us, but fall must show it's beautiful face. There is a solace in that somehow.

If I want to take this even further, I like to be busy. I love to donate my time for good causes and making a difference. I love my friends and my family, that, at times, leave me utterly speechless as I wonder how I deserve them. My church, that I love so much, where I give more time and more energy... and finally, my husband and three beautiful daughters... the list is endless of the good, good things I like. Surrounded by these good things, satisfaction seems inevitable.

But here's the thing...
In and of themselves, these are earthly things, and I believe that I have been a bit blind. Because even still, the 'unsatisfied' creeps in without a trace.

Ironically, Oswald Chambers writes in today's daily reading from 'My Utmost For His Highest', "To have a master means that there is one who knows me better than I know myself, one who is closer than a friend, one who fathoms the remotest abyss of my heart and satisfies it, one who has brought me into the secure sense that he has met and solved every perplexity and problem of my mind."

The void, it will come. It is not a matter of if it will come, but when. For me, the daily exhaustion, over-commitment and stress trigger the void. Strained relationships, loneliness, and of course traumatic situations trigger the void. Over time, the patterns I have learned to satisfy these voids as they come are worn and even imprinted in my brain. When I feel empty and hungry, do I turn to the Lord, before I choose something else from the list?

Last week, our church had a fast, those who wanted to going without food or other things as we pursued Christ, spending times in prayer. I decided to give up caffeine. Six days is just about enough time to painfully detox and come out the other side relatively in tact. Other than the debilitating four day migraine, it's actually hard to remember details of the week, as I was in a bit of a fog.

By about day 5, the fog in my head started to clear, both physically and spiritually. Giving up coffee cost me something. Giving up the comfort and pattern of satisfaction that it brought were equally as difficult as the physical detox was. But as the ache for it started to fade, a clarity in hearing the voice of God took it's place. I can honestly say that it was worth it.

I am not suggesting that you give up coffee. I am not suggesting that you give up the thing that brings you the most satisfaction. I am suggesting that you just stop for a minute and look at your satisfaction patterns. When the void comes, what do you do? What do you turn to?

I would like to present that in our moments of greatest weakness, greatest strength, and every apathetic moment in between, that we turn from our patterns of self-satisfaction, to the Lord. Because, when it comes right down to it, what is it that will get us through when the hard thing comes? Will the coffee or the alcohol or whatever it is that has worked before, keep us going? I am suggesting that it will not. My experience has told me that it will not.

"But seek ye first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well," Matthew 6:33. There is an order in the spiritual realm. If we confuse the order, if we mix up seeking the things before pursuing God, then let me tell you, it does not go well. God is reminding me of His perfect order.

And I will go as far as to say that there is more at stake than perfect order. There is more at stake than making efforts to assure that we do not fall when the pressure comes. It is not about us. We, who are believers in Jesus Christ, serve a God who is Holy, Sovereign and Almighty. He does not tolerate these things in our lives that we have made to be idols. When we turn to these things before Him, again, and again...it is only a matter of time before correction comes.

But as we choose Him in our lives, He gives us life abundant, beyond what we could ever hope for. There comes order and peace. There is joy and there is understanding. When we persevere and walk unwavering, eyes fixed on Him alone, He WILL satisfy us. End of story.

"Praise the Lord, O my soul,

and forget not all his benefits -

who forgives all your sins

and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love

and compassion,

who satisfies your desires with

good things

so that your youth is renewed

like the eagle's."

-Psalm 103:2-5

I am learning to walk this out, re-directing my paths to satisfy the voids as they come. Coffee is back, but with some boundaries. We'll see how it goes ... I think that as I continually lay all these things before Him at his feet, and I listen for what he says, AND am willing to obey, the order will correct itself.

And just as I am about to completely forget the satisfaction that I chose to sacrifice in the beginning, the satisfaction comes.

Family Road Trip: The Last Couple Days

"Soaked, Chilly and Happy"


Rain, rain, rain, little bit of sun - a summary of the last two days! It is a good thing we all like each other, or we just might have been over it before it was over. Our road trip was the right amount of time to get away from it all, and then, want to come back. That was the nice thing about having no agenda. Nowhere to be, no deadline to come back to...just come back when we're done.

Yesterday, we departed lovely, rainy Homer and made our way to lovely, rainy Seward. We stopped in Soldotna just long enough to have lunch at Dairy Queen (yuck), iced creme d' menthe americano's to go at Kaladi's (yum) and then to Kenai to check out the new Walmart attraction (new and shiny). We found Seward in the same state as we left Homer - wet. Nonetheless, we suited up in our raingear and headed to the coolest park we've ever seen (our discovery from two years ago) and then walked a mile or so into town for some dinner.

Today, we woke up to the sun shining through the motorhome windows and, while exhausted, ready to enjoy another day together, this time dry! We walked to Resurrect Art Coffee Shop for a yummy cuppa' joe and then to the Alaska Sealife Center, one of our favorites. (I'm sure you've noticed a pattern by now...coffee, then family activity).

We marveled again, at the seals, sea lion (my favorite), giant fish, jellyfish, starfish and diving birds. Definately worth the 57 bucks. New stuffed animals at the gift shop topped off the visit and we decided to head home. Our 'fun' capacity and level of sleep deprivation by all had hit its max.

After eating their sandwiches on the road, the girls passed out and we drove till we pulled into our driveway...home sweet home.

Our trip fulfilled its purpose. Rest and being together as a family. No worrying about the to-do list. Though it was funny to see how easy it was to just lay Charlotte in her crib tonight and watch her curl up and fall asleep within seconds while we whipped up a salmon dinner in minutes...for free! These luxuries of home, that we don't appreciate until we don't have them, I suppose.

I can't wait until we get another opportunity to appreciate them...next year! And for the record, we are still on vacation for another 3 days!

Family Road Trip: Day 2

'I Really, Really Like Them'

The motorhome is silent. The fam is a bit spent from our chilly, blustery, fun-filled day!

This morning we woke up to a downpour. While that could be potentially disastrous vacation material, we didn't let the dampness dampen our spirits. Well, I guess little baby Charlotte wasn't so sure. Being at the must-get-down-and-crawl stage, she fell and banged her head several times trying to get around in the small space. Her favorite spot was underneath the dining room table. She sampled the dog food several times and took a bath in dog water. Poor Charlotte was a little antsy....

As were the girls....

Then, a bit later the rain cleared and left behind some clouds and blustery wind, but a non-wet sort. So we ventured out to find some cool sock monkey hats, that I think made all of our day... ice cream and chili fries were to be had, and we found some very tasty coffee that I hope we can have again tomorrow... Later we met up with some dear friends for a late Mexican feast.

But the beach, of course, has been the very best part. I think that the girls would live on it if they could. I have already lost count of how many times we have combed the beach since we got here yesterday... today, we enjoyed some wind surfers and Sophia facilitated a family rock house building competition. Charlotte chose the winner by crawling towards the house she liked best. I think I won since she crawled in my general direction.

I needed to be reminded of how much I just really, really like my family. I have the most amazing kids and super fantastic husband there ever was. I am amazed at God, in His goodness, who chose to bless me this much...

Tomorrow, a shower and on to the next destination...

Family Road Trip: Day 1

'The Makings of Our Recipe'

We’re on the road. Borrowed motorhome, 3 children, 1 pug, and all the contents of our home (except the sink) signals the beginning of a much needed and memorable trip! My emotions are a jumbled mix of remembering all my childhood road trips, contemplating the burdens of today and excitement for the hope that our family can escape into a mini-world of non-reality and non-commitment.

When I was a kid, we had a little tiny yellow pull-behind camper. It was painted to match our yellow, wood-paneled station wagon. Our ghetto paint-chipped canoe slapped on the roof of the car was like the cherry on top. Oh, those were the days! You couldn’t have asked for a more perfect memory recipe.

These memories I'm cherishing again as we ourselves are about to whip up our own little adventure concoction. I think that Homer will be our first stop. The inlet is crystal clear, the sky is beautiful blue, painted with billowy clouds. The sweet, piercing sounds of ‘Baliko’ are streaming through the speakers while we chew on our Costco pizza and sip on our Kaladi coffees. The baby is sleeping and the girls are pretending to nap in the bunk above our heads. I’m a bit surprised to find that I can type while we drive in this thing, and it doesn’t make me carsick.

Making our own recipes for memories, for

life really, that’s what this is about I think. And of course resting, and re-connecting as a family. I so desperately don't want to take the backseat in life. God forbid that I let life just happen to me, because I don’t have the energy or motivation to take the reins. Thankfully, God sends me wake-up calls now and then that send a chill down my spine. The thought of the days and weeks and years that could pass without intention or purpose, just living in that state, it’s frightening.

So, with the chills comes resolve. I will not allow life to just happen to me, to our children, without our active intent and involve-ment. I cannot be busy with my own good activities or ministries or passions, or even depression, and leave them to fend for themselves. If it takes getting down on the floor to play a game, going on a little girl date, cuddling when I don’t feel like it or...going on a road trip...

This trip...it will be good, regardless of what happens. It forces normal life to an abrupt halt so we can escape together on an adventure. I know that in our little adventure, our own recipes will evolve. Recipes for life.

And I forgot how beautiful Homer is!

My daughter Sophia, age 8, decided to write a little something too...Enjoy!

homer to seward

chapter 1 the ride.Let me tell you that was the most fun camping ride i ever had! First i got a cinnamon roll it was soooo good! Then we headed to homer. Then me and Ivy started to color then i asked my dad are we almost there? He said 1050 MILES!!!! I was exaggerating when i said 1050 it was actually 150. Then me and ivy played for a while. Then i took a nap. Then me and Ivy partyed on mom and dads bed. I frgot to tell you it was in an rv.

...Stay tuned for Day 2.

A Love Affair...of the Coffee Sort

Coffee. The composi-tion of those 6 letters creates the center of my adulthood love affair. Dramatic? Perhaps. Inaccurate? No. Who would have ever thought you could take some hard, nasty inedible green beans, throw them in fire, smash them to pieces and then drink the liquid that comes from soaking those nearly burned little buggers in hot water? But, someone did it once, and...here we are!

And so, I succumb, time and again, to its powers. The black liquid gold...bringing with it a little more energy, a little more motivation, and yes, a little more 'happy'. I think more than those things though, is a taste of the familiar, a taste of comfort, if there can be one.

Being the busy girl that I am, with kids, babysitting more kids, going to work, cleaning, cooking, laundry, and on and on...all the time, I have more to think about than coffee...right?? But, it's there, like a little subliminal message, with its little tiny coffee voice shouting, "Coffee! Coffee!"

If you're a coffee-er, you have your coffee 'spots' and your coffee drinks...ya know, THE drink. When we're not drinking it, we wish we were. These days for me it's the Iced Americano. Throw a little peanut butter syrup (oh, don't knock it till you've tried it!) and some cream in there, and it's divine!

But then there's the issue of money, so in efforts to be more FRUGAL, as my blog is so fondly named, my husband and I have finally given in to the home espresso brewing system! (I suppose the ultimate frugal move would be to stop drinking coffee altogether - *gasp* - but this is much more fun...) It's the Saeco Odea Giro Super Automatic Espresso Machine, designed by BMW DesignworksUSA. Oh, it's not as fancy (or expensive) as it sounds, and we even went with a refurbished model, but oh man...talk about fun!

And now, I have unlimited caffeine at my fingertips ...

oh, the love affair continues!

A Tribute

It's that time of year again. Time has flown and slowed all at once these last 10 years. He died on June 28, 2000. June 12 was his birthday, June 8 was my parents anniversary and of course...Father's Day. It's that time of year again. I miss my dad.

The ache has quieted. I think that now his memory bears an almost sweet taste to it. When he comes to mind, it's not painful as much as it is pleasant. Although sometimes looking at my daughters I get that tinge again, 'if only he could have met them...'. Or, I still get the occasional, 'I knew your dad. He was a great man'. I think, 'Yep. You have no idea.' Of course, its easy to forget all the bad in remberence of one lost. That is how it should be, I think. But the crazy thing about my dad is that there wasn't much bad.

He was a journalist who gave up his career to work at a church, writing and serving and ministering to others. He invested in the lives of people, not things. He re-heated and ate the leftovers that no-one else would. He made jumping off a fallen lightpost seem like the best thing ever, simply by making it a 'mystery ride' - if there was no money for a real family outing. He loved music and so badly played it, but he played it with heart and gusto and with us on his knee. He read the Bible to my brother and sister and I, and taught us what it meant. He planted and tended to his garden, rode his bike to work and would fast and pray for days at times. And most importantly, he loved my mom.

And who could forget the awful little rusty light blue pick-up with the flashing yellow light on top? He led such a simple life, but I think it was more powerful than so many realized at the time. He didn't live for himself, but truly lived life for others. His wife and kids and so many more than I could count.

And he will, forever, remain a part of me. Cliche ~ until I look at the crook in my nose, my gigantic veins (the nurses are always impressed!), the gray hair at age 30, and my ability to write and ponder and innovate. I am left to remember him as hints of my own self. The other, more selfless parts, I am working on!

And God, in His goodness and perfect timing, gave me my husband not long before he died. Passionate, yet practical, the ever-constant love of my life. So patient and hard-working. Almost a fierceness to his kindness. Perfect for me. I'm certain my girls will remember their childhood daddy with the same fondness that I do mine.

Whenever I am tempted to feel sorry for myself in losing my dad, my safety net, I am given harsh reminders of the blessing I had, and even still have. Recently, in working with Beacon Hill, I have had the humbling privilege of getting to know some amazing single mothers and their children, whose fathers have either abused them or long forgotten them. They do not have the memory of safety and peace with a loving father. In these moments of facing stark reality, the ache is stronger. The ache of never having, being so much more harsh than the ache of loss.

I am thankful for my dad. I am thankful for my amazing husband and my wonderful father-in-law. I am realizing that I have been given much in the way of fathers. I am reminded that "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." Luke 12:48. There exists a weight of responsibility on the 'father-rich' (those whose dad-cup is full) to step in the gap for those without fathers.

"For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality, and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing. And you are to love those who are aliens, for you yourselves were aliens in Egypt." Deut. 10:17-19.

Daunting, but fortunately, we have a Heavenly Father who shows abounding mercy, never-ending love, showers of grace and IS the perfect Father that we so desperately need. Our job is only easy if we ourselves experience God as our Father, and then...we simply reflect.

Friends

When I write, I like to try to write from a place of inspiration. A good thing, I suppose, when one of my goals in writing is not just a great pastime, but hopefully helping someone else find inspiration too. Lately, with summer and all, we've been just busy! It's good, summer-type busy, but still busy. It becomes so easy for me to get lost in our world of going with the flow and jumping from one thing to the next...hence the fewer blog posts!

Today, though, I am feeling inspired. I was at church observing all my beautiful friends. And all at once, I felt it again. That feeling of being humbled and grateful and left feeling just utterly blessed. It's a common feeling lately, and I think that I am coming to appreciate friends and a truer community in a way I haven't before.

We went to Hope, Alaska with many of these friends last weekend. We so enjoyed being together and even watching our children, who will all grow up together, just having fun and getting dirty and being with the kids they have known since they were born. It just kept hitting me, this feeling that kept bubbling up. Gratitude.

Then, the other night I went to dinner with my best girls. Birthdays are always our excuse to go out! The laughter, both irreverent and sincere, the confiding and sharing, and always making our poor waitress angry for staying too late, half of us ordering just a salad or dessert! It's these things I cherish. And again, I'm humbled, grateful, blessed.

'True' community, I'm not really sure what that looks like. But I think we're getting closer than we have ever been. 'To bear each other's burdens' as was said from the pulpit today. I think that's where this community is found. We don't have to live together to accomplish this, but we have to be active in each other's lives. Choosing to share in the joys and pains, and it is a choice. At the cost of our own comfort at times.

Those folks in the very early church in Acts were on to something I think... "All the believers were together and had everything in common. Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved," Acts 2:44-47.

I realize that at this time in history, God was beginning the miraculous work of growing His church. However, this type of living worked for growing a church! A community of people devoted to each other and to God, giving to each other as anyone had need. They were together and they were glad! I think we need more of this.

But for now, I'm grateful.

I hesitated writing this because I know many people don't have these type of friendships or community. All I can say is that like so many things, its a choice. You have to choose to give and invest in people. Count the cost and then simply BE a friend. I think loneliness spurs us to risk sometimes. I know it does for me. Take the risk! And you too, could someday be part of a ridiculous pyramid built of middle-aged women!

Photos courtesy of Rhae Anne Etheredge , except for photo of 6 friends, courtesy of Suite 100 hostess.

So What IS So Amazing About Grace?

If you have been following my blog posts, you can see that I am not perfect. In fact, you may sense a theme through all of them by now. Reading back through them, I'm starting to catch it myself. It's simple, really. I am nothing without His grace. Today, I am thinking about...no, I am reveling in...this Grace.

Most of us know about God's grace. We hear about it, we logically understand it, and some of us could even break it down in a great theological discourse. But it's funny how quickly the theology blurs when we screw up and the crap hits the fan. Every instinct in us wants to fix our own mistake as quickly as possible. Put the band-aid on it, brush it under the rug, make excuses and then go along like everything is fine.

For years of my life I have been okay with myself, and for the most part, its really not bad. I am a pretty competant and capable person with a great life, a beautiful family and things are good. But then something happens and just 'okay' is all of a sudden a very scary place to be. Scary, because come to find out, our dependence in our own capability and even on God, stretched only as far as our own control and understanding. 'Okay' shows itself to be only a facade.

We become sick of breathing in and out, using every last bit of strength, and 'okay' ends in an agonizing moment when we have a choice. We can shut down, or with this strength we have left, we spew out our surrender. Surrendering, I believe with all my heart, is one of the most beautiful places to be. I'm certain that it is here, in this moment, the heavens rejoice. Because, completely aware of our own ugliness, we are shocked at the beauty of what we see before us. Loving us. Forgiving us. Even reflecting back the beauty in ourselves.

Grace. Undeserved, unearned, incomprehensible.

The Grace that stretched out His arms, heart overflowing with love for me, and died to save me. The Grace that knew I would screw up and try to fix it on my own and still choose to die for me, even for this very reason! "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:6-8)

I have been a Christian since I was a child. I didn't understand Grace until I saw that I didn't deserve it. And I'm certain that I still only understand 'in part'. For me, it took hitting the bottom, the end of the rope, whatever you want to call it, to see this. Of course, I have never deserved it, but I was blind.

I think when we allow ourselves to be clothed, or cloaked (I imagine like a force field) in grace, only then can we move forward and move mountains, make waves, conquer giants...or, love our neighbors, how we should. Outside of His divine grace, we are powerless, helpless and the trail we leave behind is fruitless. On our own we are nothing, but covered in His love and grace, our potential is endless. To me...that's pretty amazing.

I challenge you to read 'What's So Amazing About Grace?' by Philip Yancy. It was outstanding and a life changer for me, coming from a pretty religious and legalistic background.

Wherever you're at in your journey, may the sweet sound of His Amazing Grace find you.

I will leave you with some lyrics...

Grace
She takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name...

What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark
No longer stings
Because grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things...

-U2


And of course...

Amazing Grace
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost but now am found
Was blind, but now I see.

T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.
And Grace, my fears relieved.
How precious did that Grace appear
The hour I first believed.

Through many dangers, toils and snares
I have already come;
'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far
and Grace will lead me home.

The Lord has promised good to me.
His word my hope secures.
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,
And mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess within the veil,
A life of joy and peace.

When we've been here ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun.
We've no less days to sing God's praise
Than when we've first begun.

-John Newton
1772

The Art of Moving

Our family has turned Moving into a sort of art-form. We have changed homes like some change their lightbulbs. Moving. 'It's what we do' I told someone the other day! I really have to make light of it at this point because we've moved more times than I care to divulge. I could make a very good case for each situation, as I can (and will) for this one...but the bottom line is that we move a lot!

I have considered writing a book on moving, maybe I will someday. I could charge money for the priceless tips on moving, that I, The Moving Expert, have learned, and only could learn had I not moved more times than I have toes. Ahh, I am laughing.

To be serious though, if you need to find us, we will be in the lower portion of the Carmody home. They have turned it into a gorgeous apartment, roughly the same size as the house we just moved out of, for nearly half the expense. It gets us much closer to our goals, Rich works less and we get to be close to our family that we love. A win-win-win, you could say! Really, this move is a God-send. But that is beside the point of this particular blog post.

My goal for this post is to tell you my Top Ten Highlights of Frequent Moving. Why? Because I am stressed and overwhelmed and sick...and I think it would be funny. I take life too seriously sometimes, and need a good dose of laughter to ease those tense muscles. So here goes:

10. You create your own witness-protection program.

9. The frequent garage sales and trips to Salvation Army keeps you bared down to the essentials. None of this pack-rat business.

8. Keeps you humble. Builds character, right?

7. Comfort food truly becomes COMFORT food.

6. The satisfaction of the 'Final Cleaning' of a home. You get to clean a home, walk away and not have to re-do it in an hour!

5. Change becomes the primary un-changing factor.

4. Appreciation for home-cooked meals sky-rockets, while at the same time, fast-food chains experience increase in sales.

3. Personally getting to find all the best 'hot spots' for wireless internet in Anchorage.

2. You have neighbors all over town.

1. You discover the true meaning of Home, and that it's not the house at all really. It's the family.

Does Life Get Any Better Than This?

Being a mama. Who knew how terribly hard and wonderful it would be? I think back to before I had children, what like, nine or a million years ago...and I don't really remember it. I mean I do, but I don't remember feeling it.

Now, don't misunderstand me. Marrying my husband was in the top like 2 decisions I've ever made. He is my perfect match, my partner-in-crime, my shining star. Life without him, I can't imagine, and to say that I am thankful that God put us together, is an understatement. (I would say he completes me, but I just can't say it!)

Being a mother though, it's a love of a different kind. It aches and protects, admires and sustains. The love of the nurturing sort. Such extremes we moms face, wonderful days to very very bad days!

We're moving again - a post for another day, let me tell you! But I had a moment of thankfulness today, when in the packing and disorder and toys and boxes and snack remains strewn around, I looked over to see my three beautiful girls just loving each other. I didn't ask them to love each other, they just 'were'. The three perfect angelic lovelies, the reason I live and breathe, were perfect in their loveliness.

And then, as is all motherhood stories, shortly after I snapped this photo, Ivy started jumping on the mattress (that is now on the floor since we're moving) causing Charlotte to fall over and Kiki (the pug) was racing around like a crazed psycho puppy, trampling her while Sophia chased her around the room, trying to help, but making it all much much worse.

Moment gone, but not forgotten.

When I think about what I deserve, it's not three beautiful children and a loving husband. I don't deserve this life that I was given. But given it I was, and today the gratefulness overwhelms me.

Really, I ask you. Life, does it get any better than this?

Quicken, Friend or Foe?

Me and Quicken, we have a thing. I think we could be friends if I was super fantastic with money. But I'm not, so we are not too friendly. Sometimes I fool myself into thinking we're friends...we get to know each other a little better and then...ouch! Again, not really friends at all.

There are some things I'm really good at. A lot of things I do right. But my husband and I - I'm reluctant to say - not really good with money. I could probably pinpoint some childhood issues or learned habits, behavioral patterns or spiritual connetations. But the simple fact remains.

Our path through the wilderness of broke-ness (or brok-EN-ness) is well worn. We have been around the bend a few times and I suspect we are not done going around it. Clearly, God wants us to be good stewards of our money, and we are struggling through that. What I'm wondering about tonight, though, is this path.

What is it with these paths of difficulty that we hit? The remorse or desperation or thoughts of, "God, can we just catch our breath, catch a break?" can be overwhelming. But when the fog clears and I look back at the mucky mess, I'm certain I see glimmers of something beautiful... humility, patience, self-control, hope or even possibly, could it be...joy!? And so here I am, wondering... can these things be learned in the absence of difficulty?

I've said it before...I am no expert on this matter, or any matter, for that matter! But I do want to encourage some of you, whose path is not easy. For the heavy-laden, the broken-hearted or weary friends, I want to say something. In the midst of difficulty, in the muddy, nasty mucky mess...or even the little tiny mess...whatever it is, keep your eyes open for the jewels hidden there. Don't be tempted to wish for it gone! I dare you to take the risk and give up...you will not regret it. And when you've come to the end of yourself, you have come to the perfect place. When you are finally done with trying your very best, Jesus can finally step in and make right what went wrong. Pride can't survive here. Lust can't survive here. Self-centeredness can't survive here. Poverty...it can't even survive here.

There is so much to hope for. But the nature of our path, I don't know that it will ever be easy. And to wish and pray for an easy path...well, that's what I'm pondering. I'm questioning the hope and prayer that we make, that won't life just get easier? If my path feels wide and easy and lovely...then isn't something very wrong? Do I hope and plan for prosperity? Absolutely. Shoot for health, happiness and love? No doubt. Can I be fulfilled beyond words? Thank God, yes. Will my life be lived on a big-wide-shiney-not hard path? Not a chance.

Just consider the thought. Maybe you agree, maybe not. These are ponderings...

As for us, we are getting better with money, little by little. Thanks to God's grace, Dave Ramsey, sheer determination and a plan. Quicken and I, we will come to terms. Choosing to share our 'stuff' only lends to the fact that NONE of us are exempt from difficulty or hardship or consequences, no matter what. And through it all, what I'm finding is of utmost importance, is that we come to terms with the nature of the path itself.

I'm Burning Up From My Cabin Fever!

Anchorage Forecast, Saturday, April 17, 2010:
A bit of snow and rain at times in the morning followed by a passing shower in the afternoon.

Okay, I can't lie. This gets a little bit old by April. I have just almost made it through my 33rd winter in Alaska and you would think it gets easier over time. But ya know, I don't think it's easier. My kids are starting to go just a touch crazy and I am about to join them! More than anything, though, its the gray-ness and dirtiness and chill in the air that gets to me. Those of us who are greatly impacted by our environment can relate...

I admit, I hear the birds chirp some mornings and the sun shines now and again, so there is hope, we know this. But these flirtations of summer add to the suspense, the teetering brink, the fine line of.....can we make it through one more winter???

This is the time of year when our creative juices have to kick in at full speed to try to get that cabin fever down! We have to create our defense mechanisms. Some are fortunate and get to escape, for awhile, in an airplane, to somewhere warmer and sunnier. Those stuck here must fend for themselves, tinkering with motorcycles, letting the kids slosh around in the snowy sloppy mess, planting seeds indoors, putting daffodils on the dining room table, buying iced coffee drinks...we gotta fan that flame of hope that yes, summer will eventually come!

I have a few defense mechanisms listed below. What are your survival tips? Feel free to post your ideas for getting through this last stretch of winter. Lord knows we need to make it, and not just make it, but ENJOY these weeks ahead! Yes, its possible! And while you're busy trying to get by, you'll wake up one day and there will be leaves on the trees and the sun will be warm. And you will forget that just weeks before you were just trying to get by.

- Buy fresh cut flowers for the house

- Spring-themed Gel Gems (window clings) - available at Titlewave Books

- Spring crafts for kiddo's - Google spring crafts for kids and tons will pop up.

- Picnic meals on the floor - not as fun when not under age 10, but fun nonetheless

- Spring cleaning - what better time to clean stuff?

- An iced americano with cream and vanilla syrup from Kaladi's - it's these little things...

- Arctic Playgroundz, Anchorage Museum, Titlewave Books, Loussac library, Dimond Center, and Bouncin' Bears are some of our favorite outings....

- Detail the car - everything is gray and dirty outside...I'm always inspired to have the interior of my car detailed to compensate for it. It DOES make a difference.

We're tough Alaskans. We're strong, independent, we're survivors! We'll make it, as we always do. But life, it can be a little brighter and a little cleaner and a little less gray with some creative ingenuity!

Blessed

Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name

Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Oh, There's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name

Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name

You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to stay
Well Blessed be your name

-Tree63


It's a choice. In a land where abundance flows, I will praise Him. In the desert, I will praise Him. I will praise Him when the sun is shining or after 7 months of winter with a forecast of snow, I will still praise Him and be GLAD! I will praise Him when we have enough in the bank and when we don't. I will praise Him when I miss my husband and when we're together. I will give Him every bit of praise that I have to give, even when it hurts to give it. And when all is well, I will still choose to say, "BLESSED IS YOUR NAME, ABOVE ALL OTHER NAMES!"

Princesses

'How does Easter grass seem to get into every nook and cranny of our house?' I think to myself earlier as I'm scurrying around trying to get our lives back into a somewhat normal and sanitary state of existence. Then I was scurrying around trying to find my cup of coffee so I could re-warm it, only to find it was already in the microwave, re-warmed.

Scurrying. It's what I so often do these days. Lately, there are times that I could just sit on the floor in the middle of the chaos and scream 'I GIVE UP!'. There are times when I vow I won't wash another dish, do another load of laundry, respond to another 'MOMMY!', go back to my job, make another meal. There are times I feel it's just too much to keep going on every day like this, bearing the weight of two parents in so many ways.

Then, there are times when I realize that when my girls are grown, I will wish for these days again.

There are times when it hits me...watching some beautiful single mothers who work so hard, without the luxury of a wonderful husband working two jobs to support the family.

There are times I remember childrens' cancer wards and countries where babies are mal-nourished, sick and dying. Parents who don't know if today will be the last they will have with their child.

Or the time I broke down in tears when I heard of the mother who slept in a local gas station bathroom with her newborn baby because the homeless shelter was not safe.

There are times when I'm certain I have no love to give on my own, and then supernaturally I can love and I can care for my family, because I am filled with HIS love.

There are times, like today, when I chose to stop vacuuming Ivy's room to dance a princess dance with a little girl adorned in her Ariel costume. "Do you like princesses, Mommy?" she asked. "Oh yes, honey," I replied. "Aren't they beautiful, Mommy?" "Absolutely," I said. "Yah, Daddy doesn't really like princesses and neither does Sophia," she pondered. And so we had a moment, a we-like-princesses-together bonding moment, which I could have so easily missed had I kept on vacuuming.

This week has been one of those times when I feel like I can't do it anymore. I know I really can, and I know I really will. It's just a week of weak moments. I'm working out how to bridge the gap of dealing with the reality of our circumstances, staying sane, and still trying to savor those precious moments. It's a stumbling, fumbling-through process. What little I do right, and what little I've figured out has only been by the grace of God, in a very non-cliche, very real sense. I know we'll get through it and I'll look back and go, 'Wow, look at what we've come through! How did we DO that?"

And I will think of God's grace and remember the princesses.

Easter dresses

Growing up, Easter meant my sister and I got new dresses. Living on a church salary, most of our clothes came from goodwill, so something new was momentous. On Easter, we would get a handmade dress or sometimes a store bought dress, if there was a little extra money. I still remember the thrill of one year especially, getting a hat and gloves and a purse to match!

Then there was always the egg dying and special dinner at my grandparents house loaded with all of our family and friends. Of course, I knew we celebrated Jesus' resurrection too, but as a child, it was only a piece of the entirety. And so my lovely childhood Easter memory formed its identity and interlaced through time, wafting through each year, making its way to the present, mostly intact.

Now, being much, much older, my 'Easter identity' bears a lot of similarities. However, there is a solemnity, reverence, gratitude and joy of the season and what Christ endured for us that has taken root since I was little. A grown-up version, you could say. Dresses, bunnies and easter baskets would seem just a bit silly and even possibly irreverent, except in their identity, for me lies this root of a much greater meaning.

I've noticed how we can often associate petty things with things of much greater meaning. At the same time, the greater meaning seems to lose some of its greatness without those same seemingly petty things. It's kind of human nature, you could say. For me when I see the Easter dresses and candy come out, I get that tinge of joy because I know its time to celebrate one the greatest days of all time.

And I know, when it comes right down to it, the story of Easter has nothing to do with lilies, chicks and spring. When I think of our Father God, in his love for me, sending His son, Jesus to earth...and the raw truth of what he suffered on the cross for me and then raising from the dead three days later, saving all of humanity...does that sound like something that is represented by an egg hunt followed by a nice ham for dinner? Its almost laughable. And yet, its all kind of morphed into one day, one 'identity'.

So now I'm buying Easter dresses for my own daughters. Once again I have carefully planned their outfits, little baskets, egg dying and dinner. For that split second when I start to wonder why I should care about these small 'materialistic' rituals, I remember these little unimportant things are really kind of important. My 'Easter identity' wouldn't be the same without them, and while I could live without them, what fun would that be?!

We each have our stories..our Easter 'identities', traditions and even moral convictions. In reflection on the real reason we celebrate Easter...the sacrificial and joyous story of redemption through His resurrection, and the not-as-important fun little traditions, I am pondering the lasting effects it all will have on my girls. Yes, the new dress is fun and dying Easter eggs is super fun, but...my excitement lies in their understanding of what Christ did for them and how much He loves them! I know that someday this season will hold for them a much deeper meaning than just the superficial, as it does for me.

Happy Easter!

Till We Have Faces

Love, Part III

"Love never fails. But where there are prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears...Now we see but a poor reflection, as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love." I Corinthians 13:8-10, 12-13

I like to think that I'm not unintelligent. I have a pretty good idea of how things work and I don't much like to research things because I'm pretty certain that what I know is enough to form an opinion or even make a decision about something. I know those research/study-er types out there are about to come hunt me down, so bear with me! What I mean is, I am learning that either way, we fall short. No matter how much I know or think I know or research and learn...beyond all scope of human knowledge...I know only 'in part'.

I am re-reading one of my favorite books, 'Till We Have Faces' by C.S. Lewis. Love that book...a re-telling of the ancient myth of Psyche and Cupid. Sad and dark, but ultimately a story of redemption...why I love C.S. Lewis so much. He so well articulates the human condition and then always turns our eyes upwards to Jesus, even through his indirect fictitious approach. This book he began in his young years as an atheist, prior to becoming a Christian and he didn't finish it until just before he died, it being his last completed work. The book begins with Queen Orual's (sister of Psyche) accusation to 'the gods' and it leads into her story, her case against the gods. I won't spoil it, but ultimately in her final judgement by the gods, her questions fall away as she sees the very Answer itself, Jesus, looking at her face to face.

I have questioned many things in my life. I don't know anyone who hasn't. I have been confused, let down and even angry at God. The more I live and the more I know of God, the more bits and pieces of His good character and love are revealed to me. But one thing I do know. If I fully understood the mighty God who made the heavens and earth and simultaneously created me, knowing the depths of my inmost being (Psalm 139) - what kind of God would he be? If I understood what it took for Him to send His one and only son to earth to take upon him the sins of all mankind in a grueling death, and resurrect three days later - what kind of God would he be? If I understood this Love that transcends all human knowledge or ability to replicate - what kind of God would he be?

"When the time comes to you at which you will be forced at last to utter the speech which has lain at the center of your soul for years, which you have, all that time, idiot-like, been saying over and over, you'll not talk about the joy of words. I saw well why the gods do not speak to us openly, nor let us answer. Till that word can be dug out of us, why would they hear the babble that we think we mean? How can they meet us face to face till we have faces?
I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice? Only words, words; to be led out to battle against other words. " Till We Have Faces ~C.S. Lewis

Now, in my imperfection, I see but a poor reflection, understanding only in part. But when I see Him face to face, I am certain that He himself will be my answer!

Until then, I do know that of faith, hope and love - the greatest is love. And this great Love never fails me. Love itself, who came to earth in the form of a man, who died to save me, to have relationship with me...that is a Love that I have faith I will fully understand someday. In the meantime, may we have glimpses of it, beyond what our own wisdom will reveal. And if my suspicions are right, the 'grandeur' of this divine love, may in fact, be found in the lowly, the humble, the broken, the sacrifices.


If you have more thoughts about Love or thoughts about my thoughts...I'd love to hear them! Lord knows I don't know anything...just a girl wanting to be loved and to love in return.

The Journey of Love

LOVE, Part II

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I Corinthians 13:4-7

Love is patient...
As a parent I need to plaster this to my forehead. It should be the motto, the theme song, the mission statement of parenthood. Patience. My daughter, Ivy, has the coolest, most fun and wacky personality of any little kid I've met. She also runs on a different time zone than the rest of the family.

Love is kind...
Kindness is lovely. When you're not expecting it, the surprise of kindness is like an oasis. When we expect rudeness and receive kindness, it almost catches our breath.

It does not envy...
I love my trusty 7 year old Durango. It seats all my family plus a couple, its reliable and I'm really quite endeared to it. Today I got to borrow our cousins' new Audi TT convertible. It's quite possibly the coolest car in existence.

It does not boast...
We are all talented in some way. In these God-given gifts, I think telling of His good gifts can turn quite quickly to boasting. There is a fine line here.

It is not proud...
Pride is one of the hardest. It seeps in without warning and can tarnish even the loveliest.

Love is not rude...
The opposite of kindness. Our ultimate challenge when being the recipient of rudeness, is to not reciprocate rudeness. It's such a provoked, knee-jerk response.

It is not self-seeking...
I love myself. And I love my family. It's so easy to be lost in the world of our own families. While this is not bad, I think there is a time and place for these loves. There is a time to give outside of ourselves and even our own families. In the act of selflessness, your family unit gains strength, knowledge and even more love.

It is not easily angered...
For me, it's like a math equation. One 8-yr-old + one 4-yr-old + one 5-month-old + one pug + one job + one messy house + running late for church on Sunday morning - one husband - one cup of coffee = easily angered!

It does not keep a record of wrongs...
I will choose to forget the hurt or offense, and forgive.

It does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth...
I have to be careful what tv, movies, toys, music, and conversation we allow in our home and outside. Evil is just plain darkness, hidden in so many things, and, like light, truth is shed on these things if we allow it.

Love always protects...
This should go beyond the realm of my kids and husband. Anyone I love I should protect and defend. There is no room for protection in gossip.

It always trusts...
Trust always goes out the door first if we are hurt. Love always trusts.

It always hopes and perseveres...
I have struggled with depression off and on my whole life. It no longer has a hold on me as it did in my earlier years, but it still creeps up on me. I think to hope and persevere are the exact opposite of depression.


As a mom with borderline OCD issues (yes, it's true), it's so easy to look at these instructions as a to-do list. If we think to ourselves, oh man, I really need to be more kind or patient or hopeful, I think we've missed it. It is impossible to love like this unless we ourselves experience His divine love. If our 'love tank' is empty, then we can forget trying to love. Really. Imagine a hamster in his wheel. Spinning, running, trying.

I remember a time when I had not yet experienced His love for me. Being a Christian since I was four years old, I had been told of it more times than I could count, I knew all the Bible verses about it, I had even caught glimpses of it. And a few years ago, in a thirsty crescendo, this dryness caused the water to taste sweeter in the moment that it came. And it came like a waterfall. I was loved, not because of anything I had done, or anything I had not done. I was loved because He is Love, in spite of everything. I was loved as I was. And nothing was ever the same. In that place of truly knowing love, like never before, I could begin to love with almost no effort at all.

When we know Love itself it all falls into place. We are patient, we are kind, we don't envy, we don't boast, we are not proud, we are not rude, we don't think about ourselves or get easily angered, we don't keep score of wrongs, we don't love evil but we love the truth, we protect and hope and trust and persevere. We will never be perfect on this side of heaven, but let me tell you, unless we know this Love to the very inmost parts of us, we simply cannot love, or do any good thing, like he commands us to. We're just spinning hamsters.

If you don't feel lovely and the task of trying to love a I-Corinthians-13-kind-of-love seems impossible, then consider this, "I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord - Romans 8:38-39" You are loved. When this is known in your heart of hearts and you want to shout it from the rooftops, then the journey of loving begins.

And as is the nature of all journies, I find again that I'm in a bit of a dry spell. I have felt what it is to be loved, and I have loved with the love I received. But it's time to get a taste again of what Love is and get to the business of truly loving.