The Variable

Driving home yesterday, after picking up Sophia from school, my mind is reeling. I have just been informed by my 2nd grader that she is the object of two 3rd grade boys affection, in a seemingly different tone than other times she has told me this. So she is explaining the situation to me, whilst Charlotte (5 months) has recently discovered the sound of her own voice and how she can make it very, very loud, and Ivy (almost 5) is practicing her song-making abilities, also at an above-normal decibal.

And of course, all this on top of my already existing agenda. I am on a mission to complete certain tasks in a certain order before a certain time.

So I wish I could say in that moment I had the perfect motherly advice for Sophia, could enjoy the discovery that Charlotte was making in the carseat while appreciating Ivy's creative talent. However, it wasn't my moment to shine. I think it was more akin to grilling Sophia for information, slightly panicked, shushing Ivy, as I reached around to shove a passy in Charlotte's mouth, AND trying not to miss my turns on the road. Oh, Lord have mercy.

I have my occasional great moments as a mom. Generally they are when I feel in control and well-rested! I am finding that now with 3 children and heavy-laden with other responsibilites, these moments are fewer and farther between. So to achieve the 'great mom status' when the variables haven't changed, something has to give.

And it occurs to me, maybe I'm the variable, the one thing that has to give...because, can I do anything on my own, anyway...really?

The reality is that my children are the air I breathe and the reason my husband and I sacrifice daily to make life better for them. I try to see that they have fruit and vegetables every so often, get read to the right amount, get the quality time they need according to their personalities and needs, brush their teeth, learn about Jesus and for the most part, not look like ragamuffins.

I often tell them that I love them to the moon and stars and all the way back. They reply saying, 'oh mommy, that's a lot!' So cute I know, but I think the greatest measure of love I can show them is to take a step back, and in humility, turn them back over to my Father who loves them more than I will ever know. How else am I going to be there at the right moments for Sophia as she's entering these fragile years of boys and growing up and all things completely scary to a mom? And my Ivy, the middle one, not letting her fall through the cracks of middle-childom and allowing her to be creative and wild and crazy? With Charlotte, being the baby in a family of older children, I need so much wisdom with her too...God help me.

God help me let go, as I am certain I will fail on my own, in moments that matter. In being a mom yes, but also when I need to speak up in wisdom and love in a hard situation. When I need to walk the hard narrow road instead of the wide one. When I don't have the answers.

Yesterday was a reminder to me that it's a continual give-up-and-release-control process. I have to conciously and consistently release the hands of my children and any other thing entrusted to me and put them in the hands of the King. That means giving myself the grace to be frustrated here and there too...allowing myself license to be the variable.